The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I had the immense privilege of being given the gift of wonder and imagination in my home as I grew up. I'm certain it's because of that freedom that my parents gifted my brothers and I that I revel in all things festive. Christmas is filed under magic, joy, giving, sparkle, music, tradition and abundance in my childhood memory-banks and as I'm getting older and now have the privilege of creating memories for my children, I'm unrelentingly thankful that I have those files to pull from.

Elias is two and his everyday life is full of discovery and wonder because of the very nature of a two-year-old soul. This makes for a very magical Christmas season as we're introducing him to new family traditions and festivities. He's learning bits and pieces of the original Christmas story as well, and happily chatters about the "Jesus house," (stable) he learned about in his storybook bible. Another thing that's warming my heart lately.

This is Maddox's first Christmas--special and celebratory in a whole other way. We're still 21 days away from Christmas morning (of course we're counting) and we've already had an incredibly special month.

Brotherly love by the choo-choo at Christmas Knoll Tree Farm

Hot cocoa!

Bundled up and ready to go!

The boys helping decorate the house.

Halloween 2011

For Halloween 2011 we had a little bumblebee (look familiar?) and a penguin. Elias has a penguin super beanie that has flippers that act as a scarf extension that he loves, so we made him a little white penguin chest and orange flipper feet to go with it and called it good! I love any excuse to wear a costume so Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I'm so excited that my kids are getting excited about it too! This year was like Intro to Halloween 101. I'm excited for Halloween 201 next year!

I could not get this kid to hold still long enough for photos once costumes were on. These are the nudie, pre-costume shots.

I may not ever get actual photos of them...they're too fast and too mobile! I settle for candids.

Maddox Martin, you make me gush!

Nine months! Would it be redundant to say again that this is going by way too fast? Just thought the world should have a look at my littlest as of late.

Coming to September

The season is changing again and I'm unprepared as usual. With each shift I find myself wondering where the time went and this season is no different. August was a major month in the Martin house this year; it marked the 6-month birthday for Maddox, who is an utter joy, it brought a Martin family reunion, and the beginning to Logan's longest tour yet.

My baby is 6 months old! Nearly 7, now, and seeing the way that he has settled into this family is a joy that I can't even articulate correctly. It's as though he were meant to be in our family all along, even before he was a light-blue "+" sign on my bathroom counter, he was somehow supposed to be part of our family and no one else would have fit the way he does. There was a Maddox-shaped void in our family that was unrecognizable and unnoticed until he came and filled it. He's quick to laugh, always bright-eyed, patient, determined, constantly moving, working on two little teeth, and trying to sit up. He has enormous chubby thighs and the most perfect little toes I've ever seen--in fact, the nurse who did his footprints in the hospital took 20 photo-copies and shoved them in my bag, making me promise to distribute them to everyone because she too thought they were perfect.

The Martin family reunion was also a first camping trip for this little family, and I'd call it a success. I'm certain Elias thought he'd found heaven. Outside all day, every day, for four days. Little boy perfection. That is until we tried to bathe him in a shower stall. Mistake. Won't happen again. I kept waiting for authorities to bang on the door, demanding the tortured screams be explained. Overall it was wonderful getting to know extended family and introducing the boys to canoe rides, sleeping outside, campfire time and cousins. Elias is still calling most kids he meets "cousin!" and I was regretful to wash the campfire smell out of our belongings when we returned. A close to one of our first family-of-four memories before saying goodbye to Logan for 18 long days.

I'm writing from somewhere in the middle of Logan's east-coast tour and have nothing of substance to say about that, except that it's hard. It's hard to see how Elias misses his Daddy and it's hard making the life-shift that's required when he's on such a lengthy trip. Both myself and my boys (mostly Elias for now) have to mentally move into another way of doing life--the single-parent way where days are a series of carefully crafted schedules to reduce the amount of stress in our home. The nap-time dance, the feeding-time dance, the bath-time dance--trying to meet the unique individual needs of each of my kids at the same time. Every day that I do it alone I wonder in amazement how true full-time single-parents do it. How do they go a lifetime without a partner in the most difficult job I know? I'm thankful for the support system I have in friends and family...without them I would be reduced to a puddle of nerves in the wake of my little ones' demands and my children would be even worse for wear. So for now, each day is a new day and we just keep moving and wishing the time would pass at lightning speed rather than tortoise speed as it often seems to do when one is waiting. Waiting to hear Elias' belly laugh as he wrestles with Daddy in the other room, waiting to hear Logan over the baby monitor in the morning, meaning I'm granted some extra sleep, waiting for this space in my bed to be warm again, waiting for a yummy meal off the grill, waiting for a decompression partner at the end of the day. Waiting for my partner. I'm so proud of the music he makes and the people's lives he touches, but mostly, tonight, I just want him back!

So, to those of you who are sleeping next to your loved-one tonight, enjoy! To those who are single-parents: you're my hero, keep up the good, tough, endearing, important work that you do. And to those who are missing someone or watching the sand in an hour glass for some other reason, won't you please share your time-passing secrets with me?

Welcome to the World, Maddox Joseph

Maddox Joseph arrived February 10 at 10:14pm. Weighing in at 9 lbs, 1 oz and 21.5in long, he was nearly a duplicate of his big brother...except for his facial features, body build and all around personality. They aren't kidding when they say that your kids will be totally different. Somehow, we know even now, that our boys are polar opposites. How simple life would be if Maddox would just do everything the way that Elias did as an infant--then maybe we'd actually know what we're doing as parents. Evidently there's some kind of cosmic lesson we're all to learn from each of our children respectively, so they don't seem to do anything the same. Why would they ever want us to feel like accomplished parents rather than adults reduced to exhausted and floundering emotional wrecks (all right, I won't speak for Logan on that one--perhaps "emotional wreck" is only a label I've earned). At any rate, Maddox has arrived and he's beautiful, unique and flourishing. He's growing like a weed and we're getting to know him every day...and night...ALL night occasionally. :)

For those who are curious, Maddox means "leader of men," and Joseph was my paternal grandfather's name, who, unfortunately won't meet Maddox in this life. Sometimes, though, I think Maddox looks a bit like him. He was a sweet man, whom I wish I had had around a bit longer.

So, world, meet Maddox, the newest light of my life.

Goodbye & Hello, baby

It has happened--my due date is near. I don't know where all nine months of my pregnancy went, but suddenly I have a hospital bag (mostly packed) and an infant car seat (not installed but available) sitting on my landing. I'm due February 9, I'm refusing to carry that long, but with a husband out of town until January 31, I can only hope to be slightly early. I've politely told God and my unborn child that if his appearance could be February 2 that would be ideal for me.

In all the excitement and anticipation of having another baby everything has been a push to be "ready" for him: all necessary equipment purchased or borrowed, moving Elias out of his crib to make space for the next little one, finishing house projects, etcetera...and now with most of my "to do" list scratched off, I was hit with a deep form of panicked sadness. Suddenly the birth of another baby in my house, in my life, in my heart meant somehow that I get less of Elias. Perhaps that's not entirely true, but it's my feeling and my fear for now. Somehow, during the passing of these nine months my first baby has become a little boy. He's talking back to me and playing monster trucks. He's potty trained and sleeping in a big boy bed (ok, this is still a transition, but nevertheless...). He's testing boundaries and pushing his independence...and I'm praying that I didn't miss the transition to this place in my mad rush to be "ready." When he took my finger in his sweet little hand to walk downstairs to bed last night I felt irreparably torn: how do I share? I don't know how to share myself with another one who needs me just as much. I can't shake the feeling that sharing me with another child equals missing out on things with Elias. He's been my only focus and the reason I do everything I do every day for the last 21 months. The fear in this change has never been so palpable for me as it is now, in these final days of our one on one time. I'm desperately trying to absorb every moment we spend together these days, even when he has me exhausted and frustrated. I want to take mental pictures of who he is right now and hold onto him forever because I feel (perhaps illogically) as though I'm saying goodbye to him in welcoming his brother. I don't even have a nice wrap-up for these thoughts and fears because I'm still very much wrestling with them. So, this is me, signing off from my place of illogical fear and looming unpredictable change. Thanks for hearing my crazed mother's heart.

The streak continues

After much anticipation and more social media hype than I intended, I downed my 24oz of water (a pregnant woman's nightmare) and waited for a nurse to call us back to our ultrasound. "Interested in gender?" asked the tech, "ABSOLUTELY!" I blurted. "Do you have a preference?" she inquired. Logan explained about his overpowering Martin-ability to produce males. 3 nano-seconds later she laughed, I saw the definitive between-the-legs shot, and she said, "looks like the streak continues...it's a boy! DEFINITELY a boy. And he's not shy!" It's true, our second son bounced around spread-eagle for quite some time as if to say, "Read me loud and clear, mom, I'm NOT a girl!" I think he was mocking me. I love him already. I loved him before then, but there's something about seeing your child squirm around on an ultrasound picture that gives him a new sense of reality and permanency that can carry a mom through the last 20ish weeks until they meet face-to-face. I have a friend, whom I adore, who is walking an adoption road right now (thank you, Becca, for your insight, your honesty, and your perspective), an alternate and equally poignant journey to motherhood. I think of her now and I believe that getting a referral and seeing a picture of your child would have a similar effect. It's just knowing more about the little one that you've already given your heart to that propels you through the rest of your wait until you can hold them in your arms.

Something strange happened to me while I lie on the ultrasound table, trying to forget about my throbbing bladder: my ache for a little girl in my life was obliterated at the sight of my youngest son. Perhaps, down the road it will return, as Logan and I discuss the direction of our family, but for now, in my here-and-now, this little boy is exactly what was intended for our family. It was always him, and he's supposed to be a him. Elias is supposed to grow up with a brother. I'm supposed to be a mom of boys (maybe always, maybe for now). It was strange to realize that he's what I wanted all along, even 3 weeks ago when I was praying in Fred Meyer over the baby girl clothes that God would give me someone to put them on.

We called family to let them know we were tossing another little boy into the Martin pool and we were met with this odd, apologetic tone a lot of the time. This wracks me with guilt, so let me be clear RIGHT NOW: there is not a shred of my being that was let down when that tech giggled and I saw my baby boy. Not even a little. If God ever gives us a baby girl I will be THRILLED. If God gives us more little boys to love I will be THRILLED. In equal measure. I don't know how to explain that but it's the honest truth.

Oh, and p.s. Wal Mart lady, you were wrong.

Gender Games

Two weeks from tomorrow (Sept. 20) we go for an ultrasound--THE ultrasound. The check on all the vital organs, see how he/she is growing, find out the gender ultrasound. You should know, before I go any further that having girls in this family is unheard of. Period. I have brothers, my husband has brothers, his dad has brothers, his brothers all have had multiple boys...there is NO estrogen. So, naturally, this ultrasound is highly anticipated.

"What do you want?" is one of those questions that owners of pregnant bellies hear equally as often as "How far along are you?" and it's generally the predecessor to "What are you having?" The "good mom" answer is "It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy." [Aside: I have come to despise this answer. What does that mean? That if it's not healthy you'll be dissatisfied? You'll return it like an ugly vase you got as a wedding present but never registered for? NO! You love an "unhealthy" baby the way any parent loves their child...maybe in an even more painful, transcendent way than you love a "healthy" baby! I wish P.C. women everywhere would find a new catch-phase.] Some version of that answer is what I give strangers. What I would tell you if we were friends is that we want a girl SO bad! Now, there's some honesty in the "..as long as it's healthy" answer--sort of. We know boys. We love boys. We can do boys. We would be THRILLED with another boy; however, the novelty and enigmatic qualities that seem to surround this unknown creature called "female" in the Martin family is undeniably irresistible. She's like the forbidden fruit of baby making--we just want a taste of what it's like!

Yesterday in WalMart, in an M. Night Shyamalanesque scene, a strange woman with frizzy hair and dark circles under her eyes looked my belly over and stated flatly, "So, you're having a girl next." I subconsciously stepped back and stammered "I don't know, maybe. We haven't found out yet." She just nodded, as if someone had told her something they hadn't let me in on yet. Maybe she's psychic, maybe she's gifted, maybe she's just a little nutty, but in some strange way I took it as confirmation...for the moment anyway. We'll see what the ultrasound technician finds. Frankly, I'll be shocked if they say it's a girl. I'll demand black & white proof of a tiny between-the-legs shot if they say it's a girl. In the mean time, I'm left having twisted dreams about the WalMart lady and my so-called baby girl. And I fully expect to hear, "It's a boy!" on September 20. Here's to waiting!

ANNOUNCEMENT!

ELIAS HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

Little brother/sister is due to arrive February 9, 2011